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WARNING: IF YOU HAVE EMOTIONAL ISSUES RELATING TO DEPRESSION/GENERAL ANXIETY ETC, YOU MIGHT WANT TO GIVE THIS A PASS BECAUSE I'M NOT UP TO SELF-CENSORING ATM. PLEASE LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST. [Mentioned within: depression, anxiety, drinking, death related to drinking/drugs, money problems, general life-suck.]

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I'm not even emotionally capable of properly ranting rn, so I'm just going to list. I apologize if I'm incoherent, but I'm sick as well as working up to a really nice case of apathy/depression/burn-out/something or other that I'm tempted to drown in a bottle of vodka. Thankfully as much as I whine that I'll drown my sorrows in booze, I hopefully never will. My uncle was an alcoholic and a cocaine addict who was murdered in a drug deal gone wrong, so that's pretty much the first thing I think of when I'm tempted to drink my troubles away. [Not that it was ever proven, but he didn't conveniently fall through the burned out floor of a trailer he'd never been in before to be impaled on a conveniently placed pitch-fork. And he also didn't conveniently leave a crumpled dollar bill on his chest that had no blood on it and therefore was clearly placed there after he was dead a while. Yeah, hick drug dealers don't fucking mess.]

So, list. Before my utter lack of emotional filter leads to more over-share. In somewhat chronological order:

1.] Abbreviated summary of housing bullshit: my old roomie Rachell told me in like... March or whatever [there are some old entries on this] that she'd be selling her house. Found a new place and signed a one year lease. Turns out she CAN'T sell her house because her mortgage is upside down and I moved for no reason. So now I'm stuck in a lease for a place that's NEARLY TWICE AS EXPENSIVE as my old one, and I've been working so much that I'm not even LIVING THERE YET BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PUT TOGETHER MY BED AND MOVE THE LAST OF MY STUFF.

2.] Last Friday I went to cash my paycheck only to discover that someone had like... cloned my card or stolen my old copy of the card or SOMETHING I HONESTLY DON'T FUCKING KNOW BUT I KNOW I STILL HAVE MY CURRENT CARD IN MY WALLET and run my checking account like $500 into the hole. I proved a fair amount wasn't me immediately and they removed the charges and waived the overdraft fees for those charges, but just to get my check cashed I had to pay off the remaining like... $260, and that money is locked up until I can prove it wasn't me and jump through a bunch of hoops. THAT IS OVER HALF OF MY RENT AND I NEED THAT MONEY NOW [more on this in #4]

3.] Now my old roomie Rachell wants me to pay all of the money I owe her ALL AT ONCE, BY TAKING OUT A FUCKING LOAN WHICH I WOULD NEED MY FATHER TO CO-SIGN ON BECAUSE BULLSHIT LIKE THIS HAS RUINED MY CREDIT instead of just me paying her an agreed-upon amount every month BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO PAY PROPERTY TAXES AT THE END OF THE MONTH. Like. WAY TO FUCING SPRING THIS ON ME. THANKS. I REALLY NEEDED THE EXTRA STRESS. I'm trying to stay friends with Rachell, but her being wishy-washy and demanding is not helping. I get that I owe her money and I'm 100% ok with paying it back, but DON'T JUST SWITCH SHIT UP AND START DEMANDING TWO FUCKING GRAND OUT OF THE BLUE BEFORE THE END OF THE GODDAMN MONTH OKAY!?!?

4.] So I ended up asking my FATHER to loan me money, which... if you're not aware, I often describe my "daddy issues" as being "visible from the space station" if that gives you perspective. He's going to lend me enough money to pay back Rachell completely and then cover my tied-up money. Except then #5 happened and I had to tell him I was only going to pay Rachell the minimum for her taxes and put the rest in my savings because shit has just hit the fan. [This bit is less... pressing, but possibly the most stressful part of this list because I hate hate hate being beholden to my father. On top of that, I feel GUILTY because my mom is disabled and my dad retired last year so it's not like it's easy for them to loan me money anyway!]

5.] Today, we had a "mandatory staff meeting" that was actually code for taking us out to a nice diner before breaking the news that because of the loss of their land battle with the state, and the fact that their pollution insurance company won't renew their policy, they have to have the pumps ripped out by August 8th [rather than next April, as they thought] and that means we're all out of jobs! ISN'T THAT SO EXCITING. THINK OF ALL THE NEW OPPORTUNITIES AND -- fuck it. I can't even muster the angry sarcasm. Essentially I'm fucked and frantically hunting for a job, because I now have a hard and fast deadline for losing my job coming at me at warp speed. Both of the owners said that they'd personally call and recommend us to anywhere we apply to, so that's the only thing softening this blow at all. They're both clearly extremely upset about it, and are going to help us find soft landings as best they can.

6.] [collapses] Why? Seriously, fucking WHY? I can't deal with all of this shit. Looks like I'd better revive my "personal belongings to sell" list. D:

7.] I think I'm going to ask my therapist about anxiety/depression meds. I've been so fucking resistant to the idea [because of a lot of hang ups from childhood pertaining to kids down the street making up songs about my mom with a lot of rhyming with the word "crazy"] and I really don't know if I should or shouldn't. I mean, I feel upset but I don't think that's unreasonable or something that needs "fixing" because it's natural when bullshit like this happens, right? But I don't know if that's the point or not, and my next appt is July 30th and FUCK. I really don't know.

I just don't know guys. I'm honestly open to any fucking advice/support/kumbaiya-ing/hugs/whatever because I don't even know what I need right now, other than to win the lottery. Just... FUCK. That's legit all I can come up with. D:

So, it's been a while since I updated about my life, and that's mostly because I've been panicking about my life. #logical

A lot of things have happened recently [including FINALLY getting a new job, thank god], and that means that I have like 50000 times more stuff to do than I would really like, and it seems like all of that stuff costs money. WHEEE. At least the new job sends out checks ON TIME.

I don't know how many of you know that my roommate kindly informed me [2 weeks after I finally got a job *IN* the town I live in] that she's selling her house and I need to find a new place, but... yeah. It would be about a million times easier to find a place in Madison, where my old job was, and it was the commute that was murdering me, so I'm kind of bitter at the moment. Obvs there were other issues with that job, but it would have also been much easier to find a different job *IN* Madison, so I wish she would have just told me she was considering it BEFORE she'd made up her mind. Then I would be working and living in Madison and I'd have access to public transportation and I'd have my pick of college students for roommates.

[Legit, there are about 200 "roommate wanted" listings on Madison's craigslist, and only like 2 for the town I live in, FML.]

Anyway, there's some bitterness that I'm trying not to let impact our relationship, but that is probably impacting our relationship. And I'm looking for a new place to live. Ahahaha [cries] So, I've been asking around and I think I've found a new place, which I would move into at the beginning of June. I think it will be a good set-up, as I'd be living with a retiree who needs someone to share costs because he's disabled and on a fixed income. No, I never imagined living with a guy who is my father's age, but that looks like it's gonna happen. Yes, I've checked him for a criminal record, which he does not have, and I've talked to several people around town who know him. He seems pretty cool, and his current roommate is a bag of dicks [which I was able to tell in the less than 5 mins that I interacted with said roommate], so he needs someone new. [shrug]

ETA: apparently my new boss knows him and vouches for him as a nice person? So there's that. LOL

Ok, so back to my point, kind of. The new place is smaller [and more expensive] and I need to get rid of some shit, hopefully by selling it. I figured I'd give y'all first crack at some of my nerdy stuff that [SADLY DDD:] has to go. Some things I've already listed on ebay, because I think they'll be easier to sell and they're new, but they're cheaper than retail if you're looking for them. The rest of the stuff I'll list, and if anyone is interested you can offer me a couple bucks?

[IDK. This feels weird, but I need to get rid of it and I also need money, so I'm trying not to be ashamed of selling my stuff.]

I'll strike out things as they are spoken for.

( STUFF UNDER HERE )

Today I got a call back from a place I applied to, and they're giving me a job.

~A JOB~

This is so exciting that I'm honestly having trouble breathing.

I feel like I need a list because otherwise this is never getting out with anything that resembles coherency.

1.] As most of you know, I've been searching pretty hard for a new job since... [checks posts] Wow, holy fuck. Since SEPTEMBER. IT IS SUCH A RELIEF, YOU GUYS. I'm honestly still happy-crying.

2.] I can't believe I've been desperately unhappy with my job since SEPTEMBER. That was really the turning point for me and I made a post about it because I was so mad.

3.] There have been other issues since that point, the worst of which was actually just this last weekend when my boss made me cry and threw my personal issues and decisions back in my face after I told her about them in confidence and generally just said "fuck it" to anything resembling being a nice person to me or a decent boss. Seriously, it's not acceptable to threaten to reduce someone's hours as an intimidation technique when you know they have no other income. It was really fucking low, guys. YDEK. I thought I'd be able to still pick up festival weekends with her, because that would be a nice 10 hours every 2-3 weeks during the summer for cash, but now I DON'T THINK SO.

4.] I don't even know what to do right now. I'm just so excited and happy.

5.] AND NEXT COMES "NERVOUS AS SHIT ABOUT SCREWING THIS UP" BUT I THINK THAT CAN WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW MAYBE.

6.] About the job itself: it's just being a gas station attendant, but I'm *starting* at what I currently make, I'll get at least a few more hours, it's close, and I bet they pay on time and release schedules like a REAL BUSINESS.

[DANCES]

Crossposts: http://deathgetsusall.livejournal.com/4750.html

I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions this year, because I wasn't really... satisfied with my NYR from last year, and my lack of progress on them. I tried to be practical and reasonable and work on things in manageable pieces, but it just never clicked for me. [Despite the excellent support of friends at

dear2012 . Thanks guys, you really helped me out. <3 ILU.]

It's taken me this long to kind of get a handle on how that makes me feel, which is part of why I didn't make NYR this year. Now that I feel a bit more settled about... everything, I kind of want to make late NYR, but I also don't? IDK it's a weird feeling. I've thought about this fir a while now, and I think I'm just going to make plain-old RESOLUTIONS, instead. Things that I want/need to do, that I'm just going to keep trying to do, with no measure of pass/fail.

Sooo... I'm starting with these things:

1.] I'm going to stop apologizing for my opinions.

They're my opinions, and I have the right to have them, even if other people disagree with them. I'm tired of this song-and-dance that seems to have become the norm when expressing ourselves. We hem and haw and say stuff like "It's just my opinion, but..." when there's no just about it! It's not just my opinion. It's my opinion, period. My opinion is not any less important than anyone else's, and I don't have to soften the blow of sharing that opinion. [handwave] Hopefully this makes sense and is not just incoherent rambling.

2.] I'm going to say "no" more often, without caveats, excuses, etc.

This is something that has bothered me for a long time. It seems like society has conditioned us [especially women] to feel ashamed of flat-out refusing things/favors/etc? I hate that. I hate that I feel like a bad person when I tell someone no. I hate that I feel like I have to make up reasons and excuses for why I'm saying no, when it's really because I just DON'T WANT TO.

3.] I'm going to write things.

Even if they're bad or I don't finish them or I never show them to anyone ever. I just need to make words appear, even if I delete them afterwards. I need to try to get back in the groove. I've been blocked off and on for a solid 5 years and I am SO DONE WITH THIS.

Welp. So that's that.

I have fallen prey to the

trope_bingo craze that is sweeping all of my friends!

My card is actually pretty awesome, considering I decided not to plead my case for more than one opt-out. I opted out of "au: hooker/porn/stripper," but my other contenders were "alpha/beta/omega" and "slavefic." Fortunately I only got "slavefic" on my card; not so fortunately, it blocks my chance at a possible bingo using "au: historical" and "bodyswap," which are two of my favorites. AUs in general aren't my specialty, but "au: other" has a lot of potential, so we'll see what happens.

I think that a line bingo on the bottom row is my best chance. :D

Things happened today, and I just feel like posting them. IDK.

1.] Worked. Meh. Thankfully I've had some conversations with my boss that are leading to "new job."

2.] Fell on my ass and knocked the wind out of myself. THIS FUCKING SUCKS AND IS TERRIFYING.

3.] I capslocked Tolkien feelings for nearly 4 consecutive hours. This was a combination of Elrond-feels, Celeborn-feels, Galadriel-feels, Glorfindel/Ecthelion kinda shippy but mostly romantic friendship feels OUT THE FUCKING WAZOO, and like... a tirade about the Three Rings of Power? I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. I know there were also House of Durin feels, but that surprises no one.

4.] Lisa was drunk texting and tweeting tonight, and she's probably gonna be like "WHAT" when she sees how many of them I fav'd, but I couldn't stop myself. ~~[It's because you're delightful, bb, and you really turned my mood for the day around SOMEHOW.]~~

5.] GLORFINDEL/ECTHELION. Honestly guys, I challenge you to find anyone who even ships them or KNOWS WHO THEY ARE AND THINKS ANYTHING ABOUT THEM SHARING SPACE OR KNOWING EACH OTHER that even comes close to my completely irrational and partially-baseless feelings.

6.] I've come to realize that I desperately need a personal headcanon about dwarven culture that somehow gives lady dwarves agency and strength within the constraints of their canonically-stated reality. I NEED THIS. I'll probably end up typing it up, let's be honest.

7.] I've managed to wrangle the weekend before New Years off. SOMEONE MENTIONED ABSINTHE. I apologize in advance.

Crossposts: http://deathgetsusall.livejournal.com/4432.html

It looks like my aid should be ok? I just got a notice that they adjusted it and I panicked, but then I realized they had adjusted it because I had only registered for 6 credits. I was waiting for the placement test today to allow me into the others I wanted. \0/ [My placement test scores were actually kind of awesome.]

Classes:

Contemporary American Society [Waitlisted.]
Social Media Campaigns
Climate and Climate Change [Funded by NASA. I will get PAID for parts of this.]
Intro Comparative Politics

Hopefully this goes ok.

[I got my free bus pass today! YAY. This saves me $55 per month.]

Crossposts: http://deathgetsusall.livejournal.com/3927.html

Well... this fucking sucks.

I might be out of a job soon. Yeah, I bitch about my boss all the goddamn time, but it's actually a pretty good job. The boss is actually the #1 downside, and the good usually far out-weighs the bad. Once my assigned tasks for the day are completed, I can do homework or dick around on the internet. That means that some days I'm getting paid to do my homework and other days I'm getting paid to stock/inventory and some days I'm getting paid to read mega-hot slash fic for hours at a time. I honestly can't imagine a much sweeter set up than that. Can you?

Anyway, the prevailing winds are bringing some serious shit in my direction and I'm not feeling very confident atm. My usual week is 21-28 hours. That's not huge or anything, but now it's getting to the point where I'll be scheduled for a 7 hour shift and my boss will come in and work 2 hours of it and send me home early. Last week I worked 11 hours, and I might have even less this week. >.< Not. Good.

So, on top of that [because CLEARLY I need more bullshit in my life right now], my new school is dicking me around about financial aid. Turns out my program [which was half chosen on a whim, because any one of like 10 programs would get me what I needed to transfer] has more stringent GPA requirements for financial aid than like... the other 9. Now I think it will be cutting it close [like 0.15 or something] to my cumulative and no one will give me a straight answer about if I'm qualified and they won't let me change programs until the semester is in progress... at which point I'll have been fucked out of my aid. AAAAAAAAHHHH. I swear to god I am going to curl up in a ball and die if that Econ class screwed me up completely. I WILL DIE.

If my aid doesn't go through, I won't be able to pay my goddamn rent, and if my job falls through I won't be able to pay my goddamn rent. I HATE EVERYTHING. Looks like it's time to job hunt like a motherfucker. Maybe I can find something in the town I live in, so I don't have to waste 2 hours per day on commuting. I was looking at job listings the other day, and there seem to be some babysitting gigs that would fit my life/schedule.

Srsly guys. If shit comes in threes, I'm so fucked when the third problem comes rolling down on me.

Crossposts: http://deathgetsusall.livejournal.com/3789.html

So, I was talking to

muir_wolf about New Years resolutions, and we thought a post might be cool! I know that a lot of us have talked about it, and about wanting to really make 2012 into the year we made life our bitch. I guess this is just a place to talk about it. :D

Go ahead and comment with your resolutions and we can make plans and talk about it and coach each other and give advice -- or you can just get it off your chest. <3

P.S. - I turned off custom comment pages, just for you guys. Now we can enjoy the fact that DW isn't fucking with us.

Hi guys!

It seems like fandom is making a concerted effort to move from [the horribly fucked up] delicious, to [the wonderfully fandom-friendly] pinboard. I also know that several of you expressed regret that you couldn't buy pinboard accounts. Now, the

pinboard lj community is having discussions about an account/fanworks exchange of some variety, to help people get into pinboard, and I've been talking with the mods of the comm about the project and it sparked an idea!

I will offer this exchange to my friends who expressed a desire to have a pinboard account and also lamented their inability to buy one. If you're interested, contact me on twitter or comment here, and we'll work something out.

Accounts up for grabs: 5 4 3!

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deathgetsusall

July 2013

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Page Summary

Fuck-My-Life Fest 2013
MOVING. OH SHIT. DOES ANYONE WANT STUFF?
NEW JOB OMFG
RESOLUTIONS OF THE END-OF-JANUARY VARIETY
So this is happening.
I feel like posting something. Weird.
UPSIDE
#FUCKFUCKFUCK
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS EXTRAVAGANZA
PINBOARD PROJECT